2013-02-20

"Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive" Iris

I stumbled upon this on Tumblr. And it brought out some memories.



Sad but true...  I still remember those times. Some little scars does. It's more then 15 years from those times. I still remember the feeling of the sadness, anger and the relief that would come after it.  I would cut little stripes with razor devouring the pain itself and then would watch the blood seeping from the wound till it would start to clot. I  ended it if I felt that was enough but sometimes I just had to make another one and another one... It was my silent fight with my inner pain, anger, demons... Call whatever you like it. The world was changing for me and no one led me. That was a scary place. It's strange to remember it now. Really... When I see young people cutting themselves I sometimes just think "Why? They have homes, parent's they go to university, have friends. Life is easy. You don't have to struggle everyday when you on your own, when you have job you hate, have to  work hard to pay your rent for an apartment that you even don't like. Why the hell? What is so bad about your life when everything is given" It's hard to understand from a grown up position. I too was also always fed, had clothes, my own room, a player, I was allowed to dye my hair,  dress more or less how I wanted. All I had to do was study, clean my room and do the chores time to time. But still... I felt miserable. Well, I had no confidence in myself back then...  It was zero. I started to build it latter but at that moment I felt like being empty, not important at all. I couldn't understand the meaning of this kind of life.  Sound silly, yeah? :D Well, I turned out to be alright.  In fact if the young myself would meet future me she would be more then pleased. Somehow mystically I turned out to be the way I always wanted :D I would love to meet silly short red hair me of the past and say " Well hello darling. Guess who?! :D "  
What I want to say i I feel sad when I notice cuts on a person. I see them as an old me drowning in fears, anger and sadness. I just don't know how to pass a message "Everything is going to be OK" and not to look cold and witless as my mother back then. 

11 comments:

  1. I know exactly what you are talking about. My mom told me one day when I was old enough: "I don't want to hear about the bad things you do. If you are ever so drunk you can't stand up, don't call me."

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  2. I can totally relate. Lovely post.

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  3. I think you pointed it out precisely. The reason you cut yourself is that you feel completely useless, unworthy, you are so filled with self hatred that the pain on the outside ease the pain on the inside. You don't care if you cause damage to yourself and your body because thats what you are worth, damage. I can tell you that you don't have to be a young girl to mistreat yourself. I have recently come through a heavy period in my life. My therapist didn't think I was crazy, she understood completely and said that's a part of my illness.
    Hugs

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  4. I know have you feel. I have also been there, cutting myself to forget the world. And I too wish I could save every teenager who feels like I did. But words don't help, they need to realize themself when it's time to stop. :/

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  5. Oh, well. Sometimes I still do it, and I'm not a teenager anymore. I hurt myself in different ways to punish myself, to forget about how lost I am and... well, to feel fragile. To believe that I'm fragile too. Everyone thinks I'm omnipotent. A "tank woman" who will get over everything. And I am NOT. "Oh, You'll make it" - I hear every time when I'm scared or insecure. And I'm sick of it.
    The most funny thing is that nobody believes me. I used to hide what I do, but there were two moments in my life when I just couldn't take it anymore and I told my parents. I told that I have been doing bad things to myself. And they seemed like they hadn't heard or understood it. Like they had closed their ears and eyes. And at the end of my emotional monologues they only used to say "Oh, you have to change your attitude. There's no reason for You to feel and think this way". Oh, thanks.

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  6. Kisses for you all beautiful ladies. I know my pain. It has the same fruits as yours. It blooms differently, it tastes the same. But it rise from that numb and cold feeling of not being needed, understood, supported... I got more conscious about it. I can feel when it starts to sneak upon me. so I begin to analyse my feelings and to find the course and to change it by adding positive things and discarding negative. It helps for me. But still it gets me sometimes. Last time kept punching my hand into the wall till it become numb. I was so angry, I punched the wall and I didn't felt the pain. So I tried harder. At last the outer pain overcame the inner on. and when everything ended I could not move my fingers. They were numb. I could not understand why I was that sad and angry. That's why it took me unexpected. It was some old hidden feeling that had to come out I guess. It was almost a year ago. But at least I know, I have a person now who really cares and is not afraid of it. It nice to talk about it with some one. After writing this post I had a first nice dream after a long long period. It still ended like a kind of nightmare, but it started in one of the most beautiful settings I ever dreamed.

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