2013-05-28

From sleepless nights of my soul

Sometimes my mirrors brake leaving small pieces of their shiny nature scattering across the room. Some of them stick into my skin and I begin to wonder what is the purpose of my fleshly existence.  Is it to be, to roam and feel things, or to create, to teach and to spread ideas I grow inside. But well, again, what kind of ideas they are? Without the mirror it’s hard to see. It’s like I’m blind to myself. Suddenly I don’t know  what I feel, where I go, and how do I taste. Everybody has a taste. I bite myself, to feel everything: the taste, the warmth,  the pain… 
In a second there is a fear that if I won’t see myself I’ll disappear. Maybe I am not real already, maybe I’m just somebodies imagination…an idea. I often do scratch my pale skin to see if I still feel. Or maybe I’m already dreaming. Dreaming myself having this vulnerable body. Weak and soft and still so magical. To just watch how it heals and recovers… Sometimes I think, that I hurt myself unconscious just to witness this miracle of regeneration. What if I would cut myself in half.. Would there be two of me? 
When the mirror is gone, I feel lonely. I feel how the darkness of the world starts gathering around, whispering in my ear. “You are so beautiful” she says,“so lovely and sweet, ah, stay with me” She crawls to my heart  worshiping every millimeter of me and just when it almost reaches her destination, I cut it off. I like her flatters. “But I’ll never be yours” I say.“Pityyyyy….” her whispers crawls away. I know she’ll be back.  The lonely hearts always calls for her. But I like the light. It hurts. It shows every disadvantage of my incarnation and then I know what I have to change. It shines trough me reaching every single cell in my body and suddenly I start to glow. Just for a second. And I know my way again. I know I’m alive cause every cell in my body hurts from the light. Such a strong feeling of my own present. Have you eve felt yourself so strong that you could even duplicate your emotions? The energy starts my mind and I feel how my skin sloughs off. Just a little bit longer and I’m born again. No more mirror shreds in me. I left them in the old skin.

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